Always with Me

Recently, I have fought on the battlefield of my mind again, warring against the lies in my head telling me that I am no good and not worthy of people's love. I was able to hold onto the truth that my family loves me, but was fighting to see why they would. It was a rough few days. Through it all, however, God communicated in a number of different ways that He was always with me.

As I mentioned holding onto the fact that my family loves me, I was also able to hold onto the truth that God loves me, too. It was a truth that I could feel in the core of my being. At one point when it was really hard, I asked Him, "Lord, could I just be done?" it was as if I received a soft hug from the one who never left my side and a quiet, 

"No, my child." 

My family could tell I was struggling even if I wasn't verbalizing it, and they often told me "I love you." As much as I felt like I didn't want to hear that, it was exactly what I needed to hear over and over. I got hugs and cuddles, even (and especially) from the least cuddly family member.

During low moments, if we had music playing, the songs seemed to be communicating from God directly to me. He often uses music with me. I would just sit quietly and listen to the words, letting them do their work. (I'd usually share with you the specific songs, but I wasn't mentally in a place to write them down this time around.)

Another way I felt God's presence was through soap bubbles. Yes, soap bubbles! When washing dishes, I'll often puff the soap container, which causes it to release a few happy little bubbles. During my battle, I would puff the soap, and MANY bubbles would float up. Instead of floating off like they usually do, they floated right back in my face - every time! Okay Jesus, you got my attention that time. 

Once, a specific word triggered the war again. I left the room and knelt down, sobbing, with my head against a table. I said, "Jesus, I need you." I raised my head and saw on the table a figurine of Jesus praying, much in the same position I was at that moment. There - right there in my moment of need - was a reminder of Jesus, that He was with me at that moment - that He was (and is) always with me. He understands what I'm going through and He'll always be by my side, every time I fight the battle.

One day last week, I prayed for God to help me again. I prayed for Him to help me "fight the devil's schemes," to "take my stand," to "put on the full armor." I realized then that I had just prayed the Bible verse that I was teaching my niece that week (Ephesians 6:11). He knew that I, too, would need that specific verse last week.

If you find yourself in a situation like this, where the lies in your head continue to attack you, hold tightly to Jesus and keep fighting! Turn on some Christian music. Read your Bible. Seriously. Continue to draw closer and closer to God and He will draw close to you. No matter how you feel, you are not alone. You don't have to be. I know it's hard to reach out to someone, especially in those moments, but if you can, please find someone with whom you can talk. (More people fight these battles than you may realize.) Fight those lies with truth, and refuse to believe the lies anymore!

Hebrews 13:5b - "because God has said, 'Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you.'"

Deuteronomy 31:6 - "Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you."

Joshua 1:9 - "Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go."

James 4:8a - "Draw near to God, and he will draw near to you."

Stubborn Child!

So, when you first read the title of this post, to which child did you think I was referring? Well, no matter which child you picked, you'd be wrong. The stubborn child is none other than me. Yes, me.

Two nights ago, something got said and, although it held some truth - a truth I've known and wanted to work on for a while, too - it still hurt. I felt misunderstood and unappreciated. That night, I tried to get control of my thoughts and turn to God with them. I prayed and asked Him to help me find a solution, but at the time, my mind seemed to be working overtime on the hurt side, feeling more and more hurt and unappreciated.

I decided to take an "I'll show them" kind of approach - which never works! It always ends up making it harder on myself than anyone else, and often they don't even notice! I was determined to do whatever I could to show my significance, to be appreciated, to not fit the mold into which I felt pressed. So, you know what happened?

It was an extremely rough day yesterday. My mind was all mixed up with sour thoughts and feelings. It affected the way I spoke to people. It affected the way I cared for myself (avoiding meals, work too hard without a break, take unnecessary and unsafe risks, etc.). My children noticed and responded differently to me, even though I think I managed to keep things nice enough and they still had a really good day. (They had baby praying mantises hatch that they got to watch, got school done quickly, and played in water outside).

So, back to me being the stubborn child. I've been in that place before, when my mind is attacked with lies, and the longer I allow them to be there, the larger and more destructive they become. I know how to combat them, but I rebelled. I refused. I stewed in my anger, hurt, and frustration. My prayers were affected. My praise was affected. My hearing my Father was affected. I actively refused to go when He called. Stubborn child!

Last night, when my mind had finally calmed and settled, I was able to look back and think about it more. Again, I could pinpoint and tell you times when God had actively sought me throughout the day, to instill His truth in my mind and redeem my thoughts, and I had turned away. It reminded me of a time two weeks ago when I saw a boy get angry. When a mother figure/teacher moved toward him to talk to him about it and draw him back into a right relationship with others, he said, "Leave me alone!" and did his best to move away. At times, he stomped his foot and balled his fist. His voice was tight and forceful. He actively refused the help. Last night it hit me that I was the stubborn child, resisting the help of my heavenly Father.

I've been in a Bible study about the armor of God, described in Ephesians 6. This week, we were studying the helmet of salvation, and how it is there to protect our minds. Not only can our salvation thwart attacks on our mind, but it can also work to redeem the negative thoughts and habits, making them new and in alignment with God. I knew that helmet was there for me to pick up and put on (which, by the way, is important about the helmet - you have to actively pick it up and put it on!), but I wouldn't.

I am in a better place now. I began to soften and accept God's help. I confessed my wrongdoings to the Lord last night. I apologized for turning away from Him and refusing Him. I asked for forgiveness. I know who I am in Christ. I am hopeful that I will be quicker to grab onto truth next time and refuse to allow the lies to take ahold like they did this time. Satan got a temporary foothold yesterday, but he has been kicked out and, with the Spirit's help, I will win the next battle!

I started writing down some verses to post to help me with the battle. Here are the ones I've found so far. As I wrote them for myself, I added my name or "I" as appropriate, to make it more personal for me.

[I] demolish arguments and every pretense that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and [I] take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.     2 Corinthians 10:5

[I will] not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but [will] be transformed by the renewing of [my] mind. Then [I] will be able to test and approve what God's will is - his good, pleasing and perfect will.     Romans 12:2

Finally, [Christa], whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable - if anything is excellent or praiseworthy - thing about such things.     Philippians 4:8

[Christa], be made new in the attitude of your mind; and put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness. Therefore [I] must put off falsehood and speak truthfully..."In your anger do not sin": Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold.     Ephesians 4:23-27

I remember my affliction and my wandering, the bitterness and the gall. I well remember them, and my soul is downcast within me. Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope: Because of the LORD's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. I say to myself, "The LORD is my portion; therefore I will wait for him."     Lamentations 3:19-24

The LORD is good to [me when my] hope is in him, to [me when I seek] him; it is good to wait quietly for the salvation of the LORD.     Lamentations 3:25-26     (Oh, how I need to quiet my mind so I can hear him and receive my sanctifying salvation and blessing!)


If you know other helpful verses, please share! I'd love to have those as part of my battle plan.

 When Satan attacks your mind with lies, fight back immediately! Don't allow him to get a foothold in your life. Hold to truth and reject the lies. Don't be a stubborn child; run to the Father.